These past few years here in Eastern Kentucky have been an adjustment. Since leaving here in 1997, being away in Morehead for 5 years and coming back...and then back out again in 2003 to see the world with the Cruise Ship career and returning in 2007, it has been an adjustment.
I wanted so much to be back home, after swearing I'd never return. I missed so much about beautiful Eastern Kentucky, that I cried for it. I cried for my family, my home, my pets, my life I missed so much on back at home. Then, once I returned home, with my husband in toe, I still have to question, "What is my life? Is this my life I am to live?" I feel so trapped at times.
I dreamed of picking back up on friendships I kept in touch with through the years with weekly phone calls (when I was back in The States) and through Myspace (did not have Facebook until AFTER I moved back to KY) but once I came home, it was different. My best friends from child hood have all moved away...I helped see off my friend Kelli as she moved to Frankfort and here I am, with my husband, trying to find our place here in Eastern Kentucky. Heck, my college friends (who I shared at least 5 years with) live in central KY. I moved back here because I felt it was best. I missed home. I also moved back home to help my parents and to be there for them as health has not been the best for the two of them. I also wanted to be there with them and to be with my grandmother, who just passed away last month. I moved back to be part of my niece and nephew's lives as I missed so much in the 4 years I was out of the country. Thank God they still loved me (and still do). I felt this was what I needed to do...
Since having my son, I have came to realize that I am not sure. I'm sure about having him, LOL, but not sure about my place here in East Kentucky. I feel trapped. I feel lost. Although I have friends here, they've all gotten used to me not being here so much and have adapted to their lives, friend circles, play dates, etc... without me. And with my friends who have babies all within months and weeks of Aiden's birthday, I still don't see them. They too are busy with their families and loving family time and being able to grasp this first year with their little ones. Aiden still doesn't get to meet other babies and has only met 4 since he's been on this Earth...God knows he would love them and enjoy the social interaction. I want that for him, I want him to love other kids, learn to share, play, etc.... I totally understand, everyone is too busy. I'm too busy?- After 5pm rolls around, I feel exhausted from the stresses from work alone and to come to mom and dad's to pick Aiden up and do the bedtime routine alone is sad. I feel I am cheating my son of a joyous, family. I feel I am cheating him of a joyous and energetic mother. I'd give anything to be able to afford to be home with him at least part time and to have work schedule along with my husband so we would BOTH be home together in the evenings and be a FAMILY. No matter what you think, it is stressful for me.
I can't help but wonder "What if?" What if we did live in Central Kentucky? What would our lives be like? Would my son be happy? Would we? What kind of life would we have? Would he have friends? Would we? How would our home life be? Would our pets be happy? Would my family be mad? Would I feel smothered still? Would I still feel lost? Would we be healthier?....gosh, I don't know. I just don't know. But for now, I'm feeling lost, smothered, confused, longing for a happy life for my son....
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