Yes, world, in case you haven't noticed, I have PPD. I hate that but, it is what it is. I'm dealing with it. I realize it. I hate it.
During my pregnancy, it was perfect. I had perfect health, perfect skin, perfect hair, I felt GREAT and Aiden was perfect. Delivery? Perfect! I went into early labor at work on a Friday morning, got admitted into the hospital that evening. Started all the delivery procedures (IV, fluids, pitocin water breakage, etc) and slept through most of my labor all day Saturday. I was very scared that day...actually, the fear struck me a few weeks before that. The moment I was told I was being admitted, it scared me to tears. I knew that little life inside me was going to be born and I had NO IDEA ON HOW TO CARE FOR A BABY!... at 31 years of age...yes, I was scared of that baby.
Anyhow, delivery was great and then started the crying. I was SO THANKFUL and SO BLESSED to have such a perfect baby boy. He was born at 5:02pm on 5/15/2010 at 7 pounds, 7 ounces 17 1/2 inches long. He was and still is perfect.
I cried all night that Saturday. Holding him, I cried...I cried because his clothes did not fit him. I cried because I was breast feeding and he did a great job. I cried because he had such a sweet little butt, I cried because he had my ears. I cried over everything! I even cried because his cry was so sweet and precious! It was the cry I had always wanted to hear and could not imagine that day would come.
I did not leave my hospital room AT ALL while I stayed there. I don't know why. I started getting upset over a lot of things. I felt trapped and scared. I felt afraid someone would leave me alone with him as I was afraid I would not know what to do. I was afraid my husband wouldn't look at me the same...I was scared.
I was crying when I met Aiden's pediatrician and sobbed when he was circumcised. I could not stop crying...especially when he was gone for a long period of time and I hadn't connected with the day shift nurses the day I was discharged. I was one crying bag of hormones.
After coming home, I was more scared and THANK GOD my mom was there...and stayed each night for almost 2 months. I scared my husband and he became distant. He was not used to this depressed woman he married as I have always been such a happy person...so bubbly and amused over anything. He would go out to walmart, grocery store and bring back anything that he thought would make me happy...I would cry.
Doctor started me on meds for PPD and I could still breastfeed. I had gone to counseling and counseling wasn't helping. It was hard to be fit in and honestly, it just didn't seem helpful (and I am a psychology person and I know that this wasn't going to work with this place). We have NOTHING here to help us with issues like this (PPD) here in Eastern KY. Why?
Here I am, 10 months after birth of my fantastic, gorgeous, perfect baby boy whom I love more than life itself and would do ANYTHING to protect him...still feeling like a miserable person at times and inside. I can't remember to take my Zoloft half the time and I am stressed. I can't sleep. I feel like a bad momma. I know I'm not a bad momma, but I feel bad. At times, I would feel (and still feel this way at times) that Aiden deserves better and should have better...as does my husband- he deserves a strong, warm loving wife like used to have. I know Aiden and Wayan both deserve a happy mommy and wife and I need to get it together and by placing my medication (and prenatal vitamins) by the coffee maker, I am reminded each morning to take them!
Postpartum Depression is not a light hearted issue. IT IS REAL and NEEDS ATTENTION!
I found this on the Mayo Clinic Website (as it is also in the DSM IV):
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546/DSECTION=symptoms
Postpartum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first — but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks. Postpartum depression symptoms may include:
■Loss of appetite
■Insomnia
■Intense irritability and anger
■Overwhelming fatigue
■Loss of interest in sex
■Lack of joy in life
■Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
■Severe mood swing
■Difficulty bonding with the baby
■Withdrawal from family and friends
■Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby
Untreated, postpartum depression may last for a year or more.
When to see a doctor
If you're feeling depressed after your baby's birth, you may be reluctant or embarrassed to admit it. But it's important to call your doctor if the signs and symptoms of depression:
■Don't fade after two weeks
■Are getting worse
■Make it hard for you to care for your baby
■Make it hard to complete everyday tasks
■Include thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Getting early treatment for postpartum depression can speed your recovery.
I have opened up on this today because we need some better support here in Eastern KY. We need more than a therapist who can only see you every month and a half (because of scheduling) and more than a $50 co-pay. We need a support group and let moms talk about this and feel BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES! It is nothing to be ashamed of and sweet, kind hearted women get postpartum depression.
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